Clown of the week

David Beckham may be a great footballer, but what a wally. It appears his latest tattoo, an entirely unpretentious Hindi effort, is spelt wrong.

There is an extra 'H' in Victoria. Doh! Everything he does off the field adds to the abuse he gets on it. That ridiculous wedding, the stupidly-named baby, the dodgy clothes, the photoshoots, the TV programmes. Now he is busy turning his body into a 'temple to his family'. I hope the Posh-Becks marriage survives, because the lad is going to have to go through a lot of skin removal to lose all those tattoos.

Hero of the Week

Mark Robertson, the departing Aussie may not have set the County Ground alight, but you couldn't hope to find a nicer chap in football. I chanced upon him in a night spot of ill repute one night last week, and despite never

having met me, he proceeded to chat to me all night and lavish drinks on me. He also protected me from his mate, Clayton Zane, when the giant trialist thought I'd done something to upset him.

I plead ignorance of everything. Sorry, Clayton. As I explained to my editor, I may have been out drinking, but I was also building up vital contacts.

My other hero is the good Samaritan who paid for my taxi on the same night, after I had ill-advisedly decided to walk five miles home at three in the morning with no money.

From reading our back page today it appears a left-sided central defender, who has recently scored a stunning own goal, is interested in playing for Swindon. But I thought Richard Dryden had already signed? Forest Green Rovers' Wayne Hatswell is clearly a decent player who has battled his way from footballing obscurity to the verge of a professional career. But whatever he achieves, he will always be remembered for that goal in the FA Cup. He said, almost poetically, that the ball "nestled in the stanchion". That doesn't do the strike justice. His attempted clearance was struck with the ferocity of a Roberto Carlos free-kick. It almost knocked the goal over. Well done lad, you even made it on Match of the Day.