Bath has panto all year round

This year's it's Aladdin a tale of greed, ambition, fantasy and deceit. Hmm... just the right ingredients for a great story.

However, in order to make sure that ticket sales go with a bang, I think the panto producers ought to inject a topical note and a bit of local interest into the show. To help them do this, I've rewritten the script to make it more relevant for the people of Bath:

The curtain of deception lifts on a street scene in downtown Baghdad where two turban-wearing guards are on duty at the newly installed rickshaw gate which has just been built on the orders of the wicked Grand Vizier... Abdullah bin Greedy.

The guards look anxious. They fear an uprising from the angry traders whose businesses have been damaged by the ban on rickshaws and the high rents charged for stalls in the kasbah.

Trundling down a nearby dusty street lined with fake bamboo bollards is the hapless figure of the widow Twanky, the owner of an old souvenir stall on the Orange Box bridge. Before she reaches the rickshaw gate, Twanky is pulled over to one side by Wishy Washy, the chief scribe of the Baghdad Times and a keen supporter of the Grand Vizier.

"Twanky," he hisses, "Why are you always talking us down. You know the Grand Vizier and his council are doing their best. They only want what's right for the city. The rickshaw gate is essential for the health and welfare of all the people."

At this point, another figure steps out of the shadows.

"Look out! He's behind you!" shouts one of the guards.

"Oh no I'm not!" says the mysterious figure, slapping his thigh. "I'm shoulder to shoulder with him. I'm Don the people's representative at the court of Al-Blair."

The representative then turns to the widow and enquires after the health of her fine young son.

"You leave my Aladdin out of this," the widow screeches, raising her fist at the two men and vowing to continue her fight against the forces ruling the city.

Meanwhile, Aladdin is packing up his wooden shed in the market place next to the mosque (after yet another disastrous day's trading) when he sees the object of his affections the daughter of the city's sultan.

"It's no good," says Aladdin. "With these rickshaw gates in operation I'll never be able to make enough gold coins to marry the beautiful sultana or buy my dear mother a ticket to the new turkish baths which the Grand Vizier is building with our taxes. What can I do?"

At this point, the burqa-clad figure of the wicked Abanazar steps out from behind one of the sheds. He places a cloaked arm around Aladdin's shoulder and whispers gently in his ear.

"I have a cunning plan to help you get the money to buy your mother that soak of a lifetime and for you to get your girl. All you have to do is break into the cellars of the city hall where the Grand Vizier has stored all the riches collected from peasants who park their asses on the streets of the city. Take this magic lamp to light your way."

Under the cover of darkness, Aladdin makes off for the city hall and soon finds his way into the treasury. The chamber is very dark, but the smell of gold hangs heavy in the stale air.

Aladdin gives his lamp a quick rub and, all of a sudden, an exotic, semi-naked figure appears in a puff of smoke.

"I am the genie of the lamp. For releasing me I will offer you three wishes," he announces.

Aladdin thinks long and hard... well, for at least two seconds.

"My first wish is that the people of this city should be able to govern themselves once more. Secondly, I want free entrance to the turkish baths for everyone. And finally, I want an end to the tyranny of Abdullah bin Greedy and his wicked councillors."

And with that, Aladdin scoops up as much gold as he can carry and distributes it to the beggars in the market.

Needless to say Aladdin marries his princess and is made sultan of the city. The Grand Vizier and his evil schemers are banished to a far-off land and never heard of again.

Well, that's just about it for my revised panto script. If you take away all those baggy trousers and turbans (but leave in the beggars and the rickshaws) it's not too far removed from our own experiences, is it?

Oh yes it is!

And finally . . .

FULL marks must go to Cllr Gitte Dawson and Bath's mayor, Cllr Marian McNeir, for all their hard work in organising Bath's very own German-style Christmas market next to the Abbey.

It's a shame the sheds were only there for four days instead of the four weeks before Christmas... like a real German market.

The idea has great promise but I don't think it's good enough just to get local shops to sell their usual wares from oversized rabbit hutches. There should be even more stalls selling things we can't normally buy here.

Still, it was a really good effort all round. Let's hope next year's market will be even more authentic.