COLUMN: Now this year's rush is over, the management feels that it is important to write to all employees of Yuletide plc to explain the impact of the ongoing review of our global operations.

Because Christmas no longer enjoys a worldwide monopoly in the winter gift market, it is necessary to downsize Yuletide Plc into a much leaner and far more efficient business unit.

So, to begin with, the company's fleet of reindeer will be subject to a thorough performance review. Donner and Blitzen have already taken early retirement, and Rudolph is being retained as a consultant on a freelance basis. Next year, our traditional sled will be replaced with a far more efficient Korean model that has lower emissions and a comprehensive satellite navigation system.

However, the biggest challenge facing our organisation at the moment is the performance of our Twelve Days of Christmas division. This part of our operation has been under-performing for some considerable time and requires a realignment of its corporate strategy along with a reinvigorated product line.

Partridge in a Pear Tree: To begin with, we propose to discontinue this line and replace it with a gift certificate guaranteeing that a tree has been planted in a sustainable and managed rain forest. This should appeal to a more modern, younger market and do away with the bother of all that pruning and unpleasant partridge droppings.

Two Turtle Doves: These items from the Dame Barbara Cartland Signature range have been selling poorly since the old dear fell off her perch. We will rebrand them with a raunchier image and an endorsement deal with Claudia Schiffer.

Three French Hens: This product has reached the end of its natural cycle. We will substitute it with three Euro Hens and address the entire pan-European market in one fowl swoop.

Four Calling Birds: Our calling birds have faced intense competition from the mobile communications market. The absence of text messaging on this model, coupled with some reliability problems, have translated into very poor sales. An electronic personal organiser with wireless web browser and integrated email would be more attractive to our customers and provide higher margins.

Five Gold Rings: Despite a recent upturn in the gold market, investing in this volatile commodity is not a very sensible strategy. Goldmining also has a negative impact on the environment. We propose to phase out gold rings and replace them with a new line of friendship bracelets manufactured from 100% recycled hemp.

Six Geese A-Laying: Sadly, the adverse publicity surrounding our fois gras operation has caused demand to slump. We can no longer afford to keep this product range going. Research indicates that a mushroom pat suitable for vegans would be a more acceptable product.

Seven Swans A-Swimming: The ownership costs of maintaining seven swans means that our customers are giving these a wide berth. We've also run into supply problems and a dispute of ownership with Buckingham Palace. Fortunately, our purchasing department has secured a supply of mechanical swans from Taiwan which have been well recieve in our focus groups.

Eight Maids A-Milking: In these times of equal opportunities, this gender stereotyping work has dropped in popularity. These days young women want more of a career structure and dairy extraction simply cannot compete with today's more exciting job opportunities. Also, due to EU milk quotas, our food technologists are now working on a replacement product involving a soya-based milk which will be suitable for customers who suffer from dairy intolerance.

Nine Ladies Dancing: We simply can't enslave any more women in such a degrading and sexist role. Unless we are able to recruit equal numbers of male dancers we will have to disband the dance troupe in favour of a sporting activity with fewer sexist overtones.

Ten Lords A-Leaping: As you will no doubt have read, the proposed reforms of the House of Lords has rendered this product obsolete. Negotiations are currently in progress with New Labour to replace them with "Ten Tony's Cronies", which should be in plentiful supply and once the House of Lords has been replaced by a second chamber packed to the rafters with political appointees.

Eleven Pipers Piping: Our records don't show whose idea it was to employ quite so many pipers in the first place particularly in view of how most people hate bagpipes. Fortunately, a ready supply of panpipers has already been sourced by our South American subsidiary and they should be on the shelves in time for next Christmas.

Twelve Drummers Drumming: Noise abatement legislation has meant that it is getting much harder to market this product. The cost of 12 union musicians is a luxury most of our customers can't afford. We have received an offer to market a new line "Twelve Lawyers Suing" but obviously we are worried about such a potentially litigious product.

And that just about completes the planned restructuring. However, the board can't rule out further cuts or restructuring, particularly in the troubled Snow White division, which our consultants tell us is suffering from severe over-manning in the dwarf department.

A merry Christmas to you all.

E-mail: mark.bath@btclick.com