Mugged with a brown envelope

Despite the promised crackdown on mugging, it seems we simply aren't safe. In fact, we're not even safe in our homes... because that's where I was mugged, last Tuesday, at 9.30am, soon after the postman had called.

I was so outraged at the brutal nature of the attack that I went to the police station to report it.

"I'd like to report a mugging," I told the desk sergeant.

"Who was it who attacked you, sir?" he asked wearily.

"Well, officer, there were quite a few of them."

"How do you mean, sir?"

"Well, I suppose there must have been nearly 65 of them in all."

"Are you sure?"

"Oh yes, officer, I got a really good look at them."

"Can you describe any of them to me, sir?"

"Well, most of them looked quite ordinary really. You'd think, looking at them, that they all had regular day jobs. A number of them were wearing anoraks, and some of them carried bundles of papers under their arms."

"Most likely some young tearaway from the council estate, I expect."

"No officer. They most certainly weren't from the council estate. In fact, most of them were getting on in years. Quite a few of them were women."

"Are you absolutely certain, sir?"

"Yes."

"The persons you've described sound like pillars of the community to me. Are you sure you're not making all this up?"

"No... I swear, officer."

"Well, what did they steal? How much did they make off with?"

"About £860."

"Do you normally carry that much cash on you, sir?"

"No I don't. In fact, I couldn't give them what they wanted... I simply didn't have it on me. But they said I could pay them on a monthly basis."

"Are you trying to tell me they're coming back to mug you again?"

"Yes officer. They said they would come back every month for their money. They made me give them my bank details so that they can simply help themselves each month."

"And did you give them your bank details?"

"Of course I did. What else could I do? They said that if I didn't pay up each month they would hurt my granny."

"They threatened your grandmother?"

"Yes officer. They said that if I didn't give them the money, they might have to throw my grandmother and her elderly friends out of their nursing home."

"Did they threaten you with anything else."

"Oh yes. They said my children wouldn't be able to go to a decent school and that they'd leave rubbish in the streets."

"Did they have weapons?"

"Yes... a brown envelope with a window."

"I can see a pattern emerging here, sir. We're obviously dealing with a gang of ruthless and highly organised extortionists. We've been getting a lot of reports about this particular gang. They operate in this area at the same time every year. Their modus operandi is to post menacing letters demanding money from residents. Each year they ask for considerably more than the previous year and most people feel they have no choice but to pay them."

"So what are you going to do about it?"

"It's very hard to catch these people. If we pull one lot in for questioning they simply go and blame members of rival gangs. None of them will own up. It's very frustrating. Frankly, we've had more success stopping other swindlers, like the people who ask you if you want your drive tarmaced."

"Is there nothing you can do?"

"Finding them is the problem, sir. These are very slippery customers that we're dealing with and they're extremely hard to pin down. We'd have to find out where they were hiding and then put a surveillance team in place."

"Well, that's easy enough. I can tell you where to find them."

Really, sir?"

"Yes they all meet up at the Guildhall every month."

And finally . . .

BATH will soon be getting a big dose of initiative. It seems that a group of the great and the good in our city have decided to come together to make Bath a more dynamic and businesslike place. They call themselves The Initiative.

Well, three cheers and amen to all that... but who are these self-appointed Richard Branson-types who have decided to offer Bath the benefit of their wisdom?

Er... well, they're the usual suspects, actually. Admittedly, there is a small sprinkling of local business leaders amongst them, but the rest of The Initiative is made up of officers from B&NES and one or two other "worthies" from the local media and Bath's establishment.

Now, far be it for me to be the one to throw a bucket of cold water over this lot's ambitions for the rest of us... but what on earth can they do to reverse the damage that's already been done to our city?

In fact, some of the members of The Initiative are the very same people who have been responsible for much of the damage done to Bath recently. And as for initiative... haven't we had enough initiatives in Bath over the past year or two? Well, apparently not. The members of The Initiative are firmly wedded to the idea of a car-free city centre as well as some other half-baked schemes.

Meanwhile, members of the public are using their own initiative by going elsewhere to do their shopping because they're sick to the back teeth of initiatives which make it so hard for them to shop in Bath.