I have never met Peter Heaton-Jones, but would not hesitate to assert that were I to do so I would undoubtedly find him one of the most unpleasant, malodorous individuals I have ever had the misfortune to come across.

There, I've proved my credentials in being able to write something offensive and controversial for the sake of it, to cover up the fact I don't have anything worthwhile to say and know little or nothing about the topic. Can I have a weekly column in the Adver as well now please?

Paul Davis

Coate Cottages

Swindon