LITCHFIELD ON FRIDAY: SHOOTING oneself in the foot is an occupational hazard of politics. Usually it is an accident, when a loose-cannon tongue becomes disengaged from the brain easily done in the fast lane of debate by motor-mouth politicians. Seldom is self-destruct intentional.

All the more surprising, therefore, that the Conservatives of the South Swindon constituency should consciously I assume they were awake to the dangers inflict bloody-nose damage to their own chances of unseating the formidable incumbent Labour MP since 1997, Julia Drown.

The roller-coaster tale I tell is more of suicide than careless banana-skidding.

Last year, the grass-root activists began the yawningly elongated process of selecting a prospective parliamentary candidate.

There had been a flurry of hints and leaks that blitzed Prime Minister Tony Blair might call a snap General Election well ahead of June or October 2005, the dates provisionally pencilled in the calendars of most politicians.

Hence, Conservative Central Office in Smith Square, London put all constituencies on election alert, firing them up. Not expecting them to be squeezing the trigger on themselves.

The stuffed Tory candidate in the last two General Elections in South Swindon was the urbane Simon Coombs.

He had been the town's MP for 14 years during the reign of Queen Thatcher, until Swindon was carved into two constituencies for the 1997 contest.

And he still has a loyal almost cult following among the Tory old guard in South Swindon.

However, there is also at least an equal number, certainly among Tory councillors, who believe his sell-by date was passed long ago and that he should be removed from the selection shelf, something he haplessly confirms himself.

And as one councillor said to me: "He was a good MP couldn't fault him. He was a plausible candidate. But he is now defined as a loser. End of story."

And so when it came to the final shortlist there were three names for the paid-up membership to choose from none of whom had the initials SC.

At least two other local politicians had jumped in the ring councillors Lisa Hawkes, the American-born Highworth hotel owner and former movie actress, and Jemima Milton, a farmer who represents Chiseldon and Wroughton.

Coun Milton did not progress beyond the first round, while Coun Hawkes was not even allowed to put on her boxing gloves, being denied an interview. In spite of that, the three finalists were all women, but from Bracknell in Berkshire.

How strange! Since when has Bracknell become a cadre for aspiring Swindon Conservative candidates? Maybe that's another story.

Anyhow, just over half the people at that final selection showdown were so up the wall because Coombs was not on the bill not even in the chorus that they refused to make a choice from any of the three worthy women on offer and instead voted for the whole pantomime to be re-started from the pre-audition stage a sort of Monopoly-styled return to Go, but without picking up the dosh.

The pro-Coombs cabal prevailed by one vote and so it was back to the drawing-board, much to the chagrin of the huffy Tory party top brass at Westminster who lost patience with the mutiny and internecine feuding in Swindon.

Such was the dismay in Smith Square that it was decided South Swindon was unfit to choreograph its own selection show and responsibility for the re-run has been handed to the regional chairman, Ken Green, who is based in another area altogether.

"It's all a bit nasty," says Coombs with massive understatement. "One half of the membership is for me, the other lot won't have me at any price. It's a real impasse, but if anyone thinks I'm going to wrap up my tent and steal away in the night after 20 years in Swindon, they're mistaken."

Both factions are as entrenched as ever and showing no signs of compromise. Councillors Hawkes and Milton are poised in the wings to make a renewed bid for the seat which the Conservatives have to win if they are to have a chance of forming the next Government.

Meanwhile, the Coombs bandwagon is oiled and in gear, all ready to roll yet again. And scores of carpetbaggers nationwide will right now be eyeing-up South Swindon as a tasty dish.

Tory party chiefs have admitted to me that there is no chance now of having a candidate in place until after the European elections in June, and quite possibly not before autumn. In the meantime, the countdown continues to the General Election with the South Swindon Tories rudderless.

If anyone ever deserved to wear the smug grin of a Cheshire cat with all the cream, it is Julia Drown right now.

On one side of the political divide there is the purr of contentment. On the other, the hissing and miaowing warnings of more catfights to come.

Watch this space.

Michael Litchfield