Ref. 72768-9To have a son die from a heroin overdose with suicide notes and a syringe nearby is something that most parents cannot even begin to imagine.

But mother Jan Andersen had to face that nightmare.

It was the worst time in her life and she still finds herself in tears every day as she tries to deal with her grief.

And now, two years after the suicide of her eldest son, 20-year-old Kristian, Jan has written a book about her experience.

Jan, 45, a freelance writer from Freshbrook, is hoping to get her book Chasing Death Losing a Child to Suicide, which she is just finishing, published early next year.

She said: "Ever since Kristian's suicide, I have been determined to make his life and exit from it count for something, even though the grief has been and still is crippling.

"Chasing Death attempts to put words to the often incommunicable pain that suicide survivors endure, not only through the telling of Kristian's story, but through the stories of other parents mourning the loss of children who have killed themselves."

Kristian's body was found in a stairwell outside his girlfriend's flat in Walcot on November 1, 2002. Two suicide notes and a syringe were found nearby wrapped up in his favourite jumper.

Since his death Jan has launched a website dedicated to helping parents and youngsters suffering from depression.

She has three other children, 18-year-old Anneliese, who is expecting a baby any day now, 17-year-old Carsten, who is doing his A Levels at New College, and her youngest daughter Lauren, who will be five in November and still misses Kristian's hugs.

A few months ago, she became the assistant director of the survivors' division of The Suicide and Mental Health Association International, an organisation based in America which helps raise awareness of suicide and offers support.

She has also become the editor of Compassion, the quarterly journal produced by The Compassionate Friends, the grief charity for families who have lost a child under any circumstances.

Jan said: "I cry for my son every day, as do all parents who have lost a child, but in public I wear a mask and present the face that others expect to see, others who assume that one 'gets over' such a heartbreaking experience.

"My other children have coped admirably, even though their brother's death was devastating to them. My daughter Anneliese is even planning to name her baby boy after Kristian."

During the past two years Jan has received a lot of feedback on her website for the support and insights she offers.

One 15-year-old girl called Emma from Australia, wrote: "Your site has touched my heart. It truly made me cry to see all the pain the people left behind have to go through. I'm only 15 but I have thought about killing myself heaps of times and I have even attempted it.

"I cut my wrists whenever I got low, but now I see life is a precious gift and I am trying to stop. Thanks for all your help."

Jan's website can be found at www.childsuicide.homestead.com

Jamie Hill